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mea culpa: noche no te vayas

jen padron 1

1, 2, 3, 4 Clearing out the old for the New.

Clearing out the old for what.

Noche no te vayas.

It is what it is.

landscape sepia

 

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Featured

White Privilege Systemic Eradication of the Other

clouds overhead in atlanta sept 1 - Copy

I missed my trauma therapy appointment for the 3rd week in a row today and it’s showing through the cracks of my face, my hands, my mouth, my eyes, my voice… is cracking.

My primary diagnosis nowadays is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and so I wondered that my experienced childhood trauma has been exceeded by the adult trauma experienced living in the US as an out Gender Queer, polarized and profiled resistant, non risk averse woman of color raised on Queer Nation, ACT UP and fuck you bitch, stand beside me or step the fuck aside in yo face since my 20s.

Systemic White Privileged oppression, abuses, discrimination and hatefulness toward eradicating otherness based on race, culture, gender identity and/or presentation, color of skin and reversed discrimination of fair skinned people in a predominantly Black region (Atlanta, Georgia) pisses me off. It pisses me the fuck off, actually.

I often tell people that No, I do not believe in the premise and inherently false US Community Public Mental Health System, nor will I admit Mental Illness exists. The disease versus pussy recovery oriented system of care is the very basis of my work around behavioral health integration, mental diversity, substance use, isolationist first responder mobile crisis intervention (MH/SA) and finally, how I categorically espouse for  US Peer Workforce.

The hate I feel towards me when I walk into a predominantly white or BLACK environment in Atlanta is so thick, I can cut it with a brand new X-Acto Blade and leave marks, cuts of blood so deep it won’t bleed.

I listen to “Penthouse Floor” a lot and will rebel yell Resist, Fight, Fuck You in your face with my co-horts but to be reversed discriminated against because of my Queerness and because I’m not Black puts me into a position of being hated, feared, dismissed. My education, class, verbal upper class White Yankee, nay, Surfer Dude confuses, I admit.

We either work together against the real scourge of hate in 2017 or we don’t.

You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, either.

I dare you to walk your talk. Be transparent. Authentic. Speak your truth.

It’s now or never.

Step up or step aside.

Featured

color

The issue of color is an interesting thing to think of.

I experiment a lot with painting and while it seems as though I criss-cross with texture, oiling it up, glossily, sloppily, with slippery new paint colors, look at the above painting Triptych 1 acrylic on canvas 18 x 36″ (c) 2017 that I painted last night.

 

My early morning dialogue with Dr. Dan Fisher ended up with “dialogue” 12 x 12″ (left above) and another 3 cocks on a beach digital redux (Barnabe & Padron, (c) 2017) (right above) is filmic work.

3 on a beach CU gray

Close Up of 3 cocks in gray on a beach shows reds, golds, whites, yellows Barnabe & Padron (c) 2017 digital work.

My first acrylic on wood “bug” (c) 2014 confirmed my like and predilection for working with wood because the surface is like hot molten volcanic lava that turns the paint into clay.

bug

i like the color blue. it reminds me of nothing but her saying her favorite color is arctic blue like “blue triptych” acrylic on canvas 18 x 36″ Barnabe & Padron (c) 2017 digital work:

blue triptych

and of this same Triptych 1, is Yellow Tower (c) 2017

yellow tower

architecture rings true, too with more blues, greens, aquas, white and greys in “buckhead skyline and flag” photo original (c) 2016

cropped-atlanta-building-jen-padron-photo.jpg

and this dreamy atlanta skyline original photo (c) 2016

atlanta-september-sunday

3 in red triptych (c) 2017 Triptych 1, acrylic with reds, blacks, purples, blues, yellow, green

red 2 triptych 4 cocks on a canvas

on my Top 3 list is this study of yellows and golds and blacks and reds (c) 2015

cropped-abstract-mistake.jpg

dear x 4.0

the woman I was falling in love with left yesterday.

0 – 5.

i contracted with jax this afternoon for 24 hours.

forlorn, hapless, empty handed, concealing i don’t know why, it’s just a mental, sentimental alibi but i adored her strong, why go on stalling, i am falling, why be shy?

can’t we close our eyes, little we know of it, to make a go of it

we might have it in for each other

to be or not to be

get closer

img_2851img_2851

let yourself out

I held her with imbecilic force in my arms asleep, laying there in her arms and mine wrapped around her and I was ready for her again. Again. I told her I love you by accident and then filled my words with more to cover it up. That didn’t work either so then she rolled over to face me and we slept f2f and I could breathe her breath and it went on that way for the morning hours until I got up. She left some hours later to the other lover she had in her back pocket. I eventually and finally ate seroquel to drift and numb. She looked good, too, when she left me not sometime after I uttered to her, let yourself out. I turned to quietly walk to the back of the house where an exit held promise. I walked slowly, barefoot and could hear her as she left with the click of a quiet door closing.

intimate love

if you watch her walk, there’s a very slight limp when she puts weight on her left hip. it endears her to me. i watch. entranced. hips and full ass swinging left and right, forward. i love watching her walk. she is fantasy in motion. she is sleeping beauty awake and at last, here.

there is much, maybe too much – discernment about intimacy on my mind.

how to.

do it.

how to.

live peacefully.

is it possible.

language of love

dear diary 3.0 | reflecting

 

I’m pretty surprised, yes, at certain new developments in the national community interested in Peer Supports. What came on hard and furious to nil communication startles me into a general quiet stupor around my US Teacher P2P model of adapting the Certified Peer Specialist certification into an on the ground Transition Age Youth model designed to provide for wrap around supports to both: educator and student.

I am reserving the right to comment on the grotesque business as usual sense of usury in place apparently and a general all-pervading desperation that is a deep seeded interest to improve systems of care environments in the field of Education.

 

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