1, 2, 3, 4 Clearing out the old for the New.
Clearing out the old for what.
Noche no te vayas.
It is what it is.
1, 2, 3, 4 Clearing out the old for the New.
Clearing out the old for what.
Noche no te vayas.
It is what it is.
I missed my trauma therapy appointment for the 3rd week in a row today and it’s showing through the cracks of my face, my hands, my mouth, my eyes, my voice… is cracking.
My primary diagnosis nowadays is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and so I wondered that my experienced childhood trauma has been exceeded by the adult trauma experienced living in the US as an out Gender Queer, polarized and profiled resistant, non risk averse woman of color raised on Queer Nation, ACT UP and fuck you bitch, stand beside me or step the fuck aside in yo face since my 20s.
Systemic White Privileged oppression, abuses, discrimination and hatefulness toward eradicating otherness based on race, culture, gender identity and/or presentation, color of skin and reversed discrimination of fair skinned people in a predominantly Black region (Atlanta, Georgia) pisses me off. It pisses me the fuck off, actually.
I often tell people that No, I do not believe in the premise and inherently false US Community Public Mental Health System, nor will I admit Mental Illness exists. The disease versus pussy recovery oriented system of care is the very basis of my work around behavioral health integration, mental diversity, substance use, isolationist first responder mobile crisis intervention (MH/SA) and finally, how I categorically espouse for US Peer Workforce.
The hate I feel towards me when I walk into a predominantly white or BLACK environment in Atlanta is so thick, I can cut it with a brand new X-Acto Blade and leave marks, cuts of blood so deep it won’t bleed.
I listen to “Penthouse Floor” a lot and will rebel yell Resist, Fight, Fuck You in your face with my co-horts but to be reversed discriminated against because of my Queerness and because I’m not Black puts me into a position of being hated, feared, dismissed. My education, class, verbal upper class White Yankee, nay, Surfer Dude confuses, I admit.
We either work together against the real scourge of hate in 2017 or we don’t.
You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, either.
I dare you to walk your talk. Be transparent. Authentic. Speak your truth.
It’s now or never.
Step up or step aside.
and if i should paint a picture too
that showed the loveliness and the brilliance of you
that art would be my heart
one lifetime could be
just one heavenly day
or if i should find one twinkling star
one near as wondrous as you are
that star would be
my heart and me
that lovely open mouthed howl
let’s catch the evening again, can we please
on naked skin
as if it were very early and dark and wet out
look, the night’s pretending
with holiday tables under the trees
they’re evening melodies
they understand the night when you flash
silver dreaminess – those eyes
you’re flirting with twilight
like when the noise of day dies away
like when the night stays and stays
like how you make quiet love over and above the railing
when it gives it’s light
and makes a queen of Night of you
then i would write a remembrance of your
eyes and if you promised not to tell
i’d whisper the song in the night like i was your lover
like night and in the blue like light
could we be like them
then we’ll fly off and kiss again
The issue of color is an interesting thing to think of.
I experiment a lot with painting and while it seems as though I criss-cross with texture, oiling it up, glossily, sloppily, with slippery new paint colors, look at the above painting Triptych 1 acrylic on canvas 18 x 36″ (c) 2017 that I painted last night.
My early morning dialogue with Dr. Dan Fisher ended up with “dialogue” 12 x 12″ (left above) and another 3 cocks on a beach digital redux (Barnabe & Padron, (c) 2017) (right above) is filmic work.
Close Up of 3 cocks in gray on a beach shows reds, golds, whites, yellows Barnabe & Padron (c) 2017 digital work.
My first acrylic on wood “bug” (c) 2014 confirmed my like and predilection for working with wood because the surface is like hot molten volcanic lava that turns the paint into clay.
i like the color blue. it reminds me of nothing but her saying her favorite color is arctic blue like “blue triptych” acrylic on canvas 18 x 36″ Barnabe & Padron (c) 2017 digital work:
and of this same Triptych 1, is Yellow Tower (c) 2017
architecture rings true, too with more blues, greens, aquas, white and greys in “buckhead skyline and flag” photo original (c) 2016
and this dreamy atlanta skyline original photo (c) 2016
3 in red triptych (c) 2017 Triptych 1, acrylic with reds, blacks, purples, blues, yellow, green
on my Top 3 list is this study of yellows and golds and blacks and reds (c) 2015
I very tentatively and intentionally watched Anthony Bourdain’s PARTS UNKNOWN SEASON 10 (CNN).
Bourdain is an unwilling participant and reticently, sarcastically and often in his caustic rapid fire spitted out, “… what do you want to see?”
Waffle House fills that deep homing context and Bourdain proves it. He’s satisfied downing a pecan waffle at Waffle House with a 5 star chef. It’s followed by a t-bone and fried eggs, spearing and breaking the soft yellow orange egg yolks dripping from the toast onto the platter with hashed browns. He says one word in Japanese to the guest chef that translates into, “I’ll suck your cock for that (porkchop)” and the chef and Bourdain fall into hysterics.
Fun aside Bourdain says at the top of 10 about believing in hope over despair and I get the need to lie about one’s belief in hope when you actually don’t trust that hope will stay with you (anymore). You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, friend.
To be alone
It is of a color that
Cannot be named:
This mountain where cedars rise
Into the autumn dusk
[12th Century Poet, Jakuren]
My girlfriend asked me a few days after the Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain inundation and my comments here and there, filled with thoughts of death, dying, despair and a total acceptance of living life on life’s terms’ meanings to me. “Are you doing ok tonight?” she asked me when I laid in bed, my voice low and we were whispering together quietly now, again, in ritual and in an easy beat. I said, “… you mean, am I thinking of suicide?” and I knew full well that only I could see my face in bed, under the bed sheet. It was a hot Atlanta June night and I wasn’t smiling and I just laid in bed in the dark listening to the quiet whirring of the fan overhead. Thinking.
“No, I’m not,” I whispered quietly and I went on to describe that because I forensically and behaviorally am talky to the point of being rude while in my own parts of despair, I often resist stubbornly, reaching in the dark and groping, working to be socially appropriate.
“But it is always a question whether I wish to avoid these glooms. . . These 9 weeks give one a plunge into deep waters… One goes down into the well & nothing protects one from the assault of truth.”
Completing is one’s inherent truth to living a life that is fully cognizent of one’s mortality and living it fearlessly of death or of dying in this physical body.
Dying a good death is, “… tangent to reason and consideration and is almost always… (and) seemingly best way to end (the) pain, the futility, the voices, or hopelessness… decisions about suicide are not fleeting thoughts than can be willed away in deference to the best interest of others. Suicide wells up from cumulative anguish or is hastened by impulse,” (Jamison, K.R., 1999).
This opting-out has greater permanence because Bourdain shares death with us so publically. My fascination with death and dying has to do with my own experiences of trauma, of loss, of near deaths, of seeing people die, of holding them near and dear with the death knoll morphine drip (ICU) ending the writhing pain from invasive cancers of the body, mind and spirit.
I see that blank lie in the eyes of many of my professional Peers, Colleagues, Leaders. I’ve shared drinks and listened to birds singing at 4 AM with the sun not too far on its’ way, talking smack and ingesting anything to abate my own numbness. I’ve sat in cars listening to, “… I’m ready to go” uttered a colleague who remains a national suicide prevention expert, an innovator and leader but also painfully, a survivor lover from a long gone love and it comes out barely, quietly as a whisper.
I get it. The national Peer communities direly require all supports to sustain physically, well and to grow whole. I care for longevity in sum.
The uneasiness, the disruption, the slap in your face, the quick right to the side of your cheek will make you bleed and sweat and hurt when life happens. Discern the greater good for how you live, truly. “The meanings of life aren’t inherited. What is inherited is the mandate to make meanings of life by how we live. The endings of life give life’s meanings a chance to show. The beginning of the end of our order, our way, is now in view. This isn’t punishment, any more than dying is a punishment for being born, ” (Jenkinson, S., 2017). For Bourdain, “… having a conscience (now) is a grief-soaked proposition,” and “… Dying is active. Dying is now what happens to you. Dying what is what you do. We should be able to tell the difference between dying and being killed,” (Jenkinson, S., 2018).
You see things which you cannot unsee. Many deaths and many times later, I remain drawn to trying to make my peace with my own death and dying, an unforeseen misnomer as I sit in my mid 50s struggling to regain ground with daily physical beat-downs in my 1st year teaching in a Title I impoverished Central Georgia high school.
We will not romanticize. We must not sentimentalize. We must see with clear and bright eyes. We must be astonished when the truth of loveliness or atrocious a reality as inevitable as our walk is quietly moving on, really.
JANE: Did I hear you say commit death?
PILKINGS: Obviously he means murder.
JANE: You mean a ritual murder?
PILKINGS: Must be. You think you’ve stamped it all out but it’s always lurking under the surface somewhere.
Wole Soyinka, Death and the king’s horseman, 1975
So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love. Sometimes you want to say, “I love you, but…”
Erich Seagal, Love Story, (1970)
Listening to others, and considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space;
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.
Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass (1855)
Entrepreneurs from The Yale Collaborative on Social Entrepreneurship encourage me to craft my Obituary.
Bely the everyday.
How far have you come?
Memorialize where you come from hence.
I will leave you then, a discernable gift.
Death hearkens only the dying in glory and quietness shocks only the person whose breath is taken in deep.
Your morphine and your needles hanging from my forearm kills me not.
Your guns kill me not.
I have known the thrill of Her at least. My arm and my body shake from the electricity coursing through me touching live wire.
She is incomparable and I die for her. Walking the desert step by step, heat dizzying, relentless.
Till the last breath. On bended knee.
Oh yea, mine eyes have seen the glory.
Yes, yes, she said.
Today, this morning actually (Sunday) was 2 weeks since I happened upon what was later called a fatality and total loss.
I remember and I think about the young man in the car and wish and hope his loved ones were gently given privy to his loss that terrible rainy day on a 4 lane highway with no divider.
It bothers me. His dying that way bothers me. I know it isn’t up to me how anyone dies. We walk our own journeys and it is our own. Mine is mine. Yours is yours. His was his. Still, that death holds no glory and I wonder if all deaths, or only a few, should be glorious and brilliant.
I was waved down by a lone man standing stopping cars from passing because a car accident was ahead >500 meters down the 4 lane highway. I pulled over. I got out. I double timed it when seeing only individuals running to the black sports car, down, not on fire. An RN got to the driver first. Army Convoy trucks were stopping. 2 Army Medics sprinted to the down driver and car.
The driver was pinned inside the car and when a MD ran to the scene, several of us left the man.
He was cared for. He was loved.
I got into my car and tenuously drove away. Down the hill some 15:00 later ambulance and Volunteer Fire Department trucks made their way up around the curves, in the pouring rain, in the cold, in the flooding highways both directions.
I drove on to Peerpocalypse ’18 and later heard the accident was a fatality. I stopped and grabbed myself and sat down when I was told.
The thought of his death colored my lonelier moments at night knowing full force that life is fleeting and we must love and work as if on fire because this all ends quickly and not without a single notice.