The Shootings

Last year’s Orlando shootings followed by the November National 2016 Elections were tantamount to the events that informed my going underground and to a better footing of safety in a dangerous terroristic world changing, shifting, abandoning, losing me.

The Depression ensued and it was terrible.

Winter came and left.

Spring came and left.

Summer was a wash.

Tonight’s Halloween and my forever lover and I will meet beneath the silvery islip of Luna tonight, hence.

I’m returning to Orlando the 1st week of December to meet with my Shaman for cleansing and visioning.

I didn’t believe I could go into the city again.

I didn’t believe I could go away like I did and like how I have been doing.

Hiding from the Trump Administration and seeing the world prepare for implosion is something now akin to a cigarette with 4 AM hot coffee. They are together, one and for always it seems now. He’s the shit under shoe that won’t wash away. He’s stink.

My world is changing again.

You must not ever stop being whimsical.

And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.

Mary Oliver, Upstream (2016).

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piano solo

“Give me the simple life…”

I must learn how to live again.

My surroundings meld to gray. Ignore the brilliance of the oranges, the reds, purple, tallowed yellows. They do not exist any longer. May my visual acuity turn bland.

Let my energy focus on turning off life force. I must not linger, too long, over music, my love, my Beloved. They cannot breathe where they used to prevent rain.

The rain outside seeping in and whimpering now where it used to be full-on blue rain no longer. No longer. The sumptuousness of the wet and her smell of the rain no longer exists.

Since the moment of bliss, the thrilling kiss, heaven has shut her door on me for romance on the menu. There is no longer the slide slide slide pushiness of sex to wound through afternoons. That part of me is dead.

Day in. Day out.

Gershwin’s horns and the strings meeting at crescendo mean nothing to me anymore.

It came out of my mouth quickly and without thinking yesterday and it was the opening of a door, “Mary is dead…” and my friend and I both were frozen, grimacing and nodding.

I will promise you nothing and promise myself everything for now on.

The next three months are an end of a season.

I will, I must make the lap to Christmas Eve. Marker

Hello to a death march of trudgery, of plannedness, for wellness to persevere, to a life where nothing at all else marks me, ever again. Never again. Never again. She has killed me already many deaths daily, night sweating into obliviousness, holding on for footing.

The pain and the harm experienced is grievous. Were I to hold unlimited capital, I would correct the crime breaking another’s Beloved heart, but I instead do not.

That I lack a tribe, a community, a family, a prompter, I task, now.

 

 

Tim Murphy, Misogyny 1.0 (Abortion)

And so after the Murphy Bill (Tim Murphy, 2016) wins passage at the House and Senate showing up in The New Century Bill (2017) it cracks me up when I see that the Sponsor of the bill (Senator Tim Murphy) is resigning (not seeking re-election) due to publically being found for previously coercing (unknown number of times and/or frequency) women to abortion.

My impression is that I hollered out, yelling, bellowing, laughing, snickering:

Senator Tim Murphy.

Jackass Incredible.

Senator Tim Murphy.

Misogynist.

Senator Tim Murphy.

Loser.

“happy birthday, dearheart.”

tied down hard, fast and i can feel my levi’s around me, resting above my waist and not falling were it for hips and ass now.

tied down swiftly, and i’m a tough, hard cocked Queer in yo’ face, yo mama yo mama.

it’s my birthday. my birthday. that one night out of my stolid year bringing allowance to the table. yo, sit yourself down and pull up your feet, under yo ass, yo, my darling.

i feel all assorted and varied like a handful of electrical wires, stripped, about to go

hot

 

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