our days

over and over

JEN JEN  it’s nearly the witching hour. i am facetiming julie my bff and noting how this birthday all day and all morning and night now, getting later and later until it isn’t my birthday any longer, mary and leigh but especially mary was nowhere to be seen.

she texted me, yesterday, “we are no longer talking” and so i took it several ways but the finality of her telling me this in light of her new love interests to throw away a friendship with jen jen since 2013, all i can say is, wow, really

JULIE  so today was the first crisp day of fall. i revelled in the coolness and the slight breeze and the drizzle. the only thing that could have made it more perfect is if i had been  on the beach at home. my thoughts are like the turmoil of waves pounding on the shore. life is opening another door and alls i have to do is walk through. those are huge steps for me but i have the guidance, support and encouragement from my bff, jen.

JEN JEN i got my johnny walker red here baby. cheers.

JULIE oh you’ve got your red label, yummy…

JEN JEN yeah baby

JULIE so yeah if i drank i’d be drinking with you

JEN JEN i know baby

JULIE Okay… i was thinking again today about getting a puppy. i’m excited so excited. that’s like the cherry on top of the cake man, ha. did you have pets while you were growing up?

JEN JEN yeah. collies. my mom showed them with the Hawaii Collie Association and i’ve that framed thing in the hallway with her ribbons on it. she really dug it. i didn’t like going because it was boring and stunk like dog hair everywhere. it was just uncomfortable. mom was a bitch and uptight and it was weird. strange. like the circus kind of. yeah. vietnam and drugs and the world crazy in the middle of jasmine.

JULIE oh wow…

JENJEN i have 8 minutes left before my birthday is over

JULIE oh god what do you what to do? fire in the hole fire in the hole

JEN JEN  ok i wish for her to be here with e. i wish we could be free and just be. no other conflicts. remember. remember. i just don’t believe it’s over. and done. i really thought she’d be here for the long haul. and so now i’m in atlanta with no reason to be here in atlanta and it’s the south and its’ hot and well, there you have it.

dear x 4.0

the woman I was falling in love with left yesterday.

0 – 5.

i contracted with jax this afternoon for 24 hours.

forlorn, hapless, empty handed, concealing i don’t know why, it’s just a mental, sentimental alibi but i adored her strong, why go on stalling, i am falling, why be shy?

can’t we close our eyes, little we know of it, to make a go of it

we might have it in for each other

to be or not to be

get closer

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let yourself out

I held her with imbecilic force in my arms asleep, laying there in her arms and mine wrapped around her and I was ready for her again. Again. I told her I love you by accident and then filled my words with more to cover it up. That didn’t work either so then she rolled over to face me and we slept f2f and I could breathe her breath and it went on that way for the morning hours until I got up. She left some hours later to the other lover she had in her back pocket. I eventually and finally ate seroquel to drift and numb. She looked good, too, when she left me not sometime after I uttered to her, let yourself out. I turned to quietly walk to the back of the house where an exit held promise. I walked slowly, barefoot and could hear her as she left with the click of a quiet door closing.

intimate love

if you watch her walk, there’s a very slight limp when she puts weight on her left hip. it endears her to me. i watch. entranced. hips and full ass swinging left and right, forward. i love watching her walk. she is fantasy in motion. she is sleeping beauty awake and at last, here.

there is much, maybe too much – discernment about intimacy on my mind.

how to.

do it.

how to.

live peacefully.

is it possible.

language of love

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